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  • Alistair Tait

The 12 golfers of Christmas – Bomb Scare

Welcome to another Christmas series highlighting characterisations of golfers we’ve all played with over the years. The series proved so popular last year I’ve decided to repeat the exercise this Christmas, too.

Once again, I obviously pre-wrote these so I don’t have to write my daily blog over the holidays. Still no flies on me. In other words, I’m currently incommunicado enjoying time with my family; eating and drinking too much; and taking long walks, sadly without Izzy in tow.

Oh, Izzy. Merry Christmas my big lassie. Still miss you big time.

8. Bomb Scare

You can put up with playing with Bomb Scare during a round of golf if you're in a three or a four ball. There's enough room over 18 holes to escape Bomb Scare’s droning voice and let your playing companions take the pain. Avoid playing a two ball with Bomb Scare at all costs. And, for your own sanity, don't sit next to Bomb Scare in the bar afterwards.

You won’t sit there for long

Why Bomb Scare? Because this individual can clear a room quicker than an air raid siren.

I’m a big believer in Harvey Penick’s line:

“If you play golf you’re my friend.”

However, I don’t want to get too friendly with Bomb Scare. Every club, most swindle groups, has one. That person you just pray you don’t have to sit next to in the bar, or at lunch. If you do then you’ll soon find an excuse to make a hasty exit.

You know the type I’m referring to. Someone who drones on and on and on about absolute drivel. Golf courses they’ve have played seems to be a favourite topic for the Bomb Scare crew, with speakers detailing how many courses they’ve played on some top 100 list, complete with hole-by-hole descriptions.

Golf equipment is another. You know you’re with a Bomb Scare individual when they go into the minutia of shaft weights, flexes, kick points, etc. Golf club issues is another favourite topic, with Bomb Scare somehow having the club’s constitution committed to memory.

You know you’re sitting next to a Bomb Square type when you can see their lips moving but can’t hear a thing they’re saying because you’ve tuned into another conversation nearby. You just have to pray the Bomb Square doesn’t ask you a question. Otherwise, you’re going to get found out.

Reminds me of a party I went to years ago when I was studying for my Masters degree. I met another Alistair, only he told me his name was spelt with a d, not a t. He then told me there were actually 27 spellings of the name Alistair.

I’m not sure to this day if there are 27 spellings of Alistair. I didn’t hang around to find out for fear Bomb Scare would start rhyming them off. I excused myself to answer the call of nature then avoided him like the bubonic plague for the rest of the night.

That’s a good excuse when you’re trapped beside your club’s Bomb Scare. Pretend you’re heading for the toilet and then scarper straight to the car and head home. Do not pass go, do not collect £200.

Life’s too short to spend time with a Bomb Scare.

#JustSaying: You must expect anything in golf. A stranger comes through, he’s keen for a game, he seems affable enough, and on the eighth fairway he turns out to be an idiot.’ Alistair Cooke

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